The Walking Dead: Your ultimate Black Friday shopping Squad

Thinking back over seven seasons of The Walking Dead, who would you want in your Black Friday shopping squad? Better yet, who would you want to stay home?

Black Friday is a behemoth in the eyes of retailers across the country. Black Friday represents the official start of the holiday shopping season, and it refers to when struggling stores break even, or go from being in the red to being back in positive territory to close out the year.

Shoppers will line up for days to buy doorbusters like $4 toasters and 60” flat screen televisions at deep discounts. Some stores even get the excitement started early, with sales beginning on Thanksgiving Day.

I’ve lined up for Black Friday sales before. I wanted to get the measure of the experience, and fortunately we could make it a family affair, which made it fun. The problem is that people will send a scout to hold spots in line, and then an hour before the sale starts, a dozen “relatives” show up and usurp your precious spot in line. It’s important to stay sharp, keep your eye on the prize, and be ready to fight the old lady at Walmart for that $9 Crock Pot.

With all of this in mind, who from The Walking Dead would you want on your Black Friday shopping squad? The answer was pretty clear to me, but before we get to the A-Team Black Friday squad, let’s take a moment to consider the people we wouldn’t want on the squad.

The Stay at Home Crew

Remember, speed is everything during Black Friday. While I have no doubt that Hershel could speed toward the electronics section on his crutches, the concern with him is that he’s too nice. He would allow people to pass him, thus risking losing out on the $19 printer. That rules out Herschel.

Andrea would also be out very quickly. Frankly, I wouldn’t be able to sit in a line with her for more than five minutes before tiring of her. Sorry. (But not sorry)

And Gregory is out…obviously. (Xander Berkeley, you’re totally on the Squad, but your TWD alter-ego will just get in the way, or get lost in the liquor aisle)

Father Gabriel would be out because Black Friday is no time for morality. This is serious stuff.

And since we’re kicking morality to the side, Rick would have to sit this one out. Let the old ladies fight to the death in the housewares section—we have to get to the PS4s!

Most importantly, the guy you don’t want with you under any circumstances is Dwight. Dwight is that guy in the store who shops from everyone else’s carts. That might ensure you get the sold out Easy Bake Oven, but it could also incite a riot that will get you kicked out of the store. Sorry, Dwight, but you’re out.

The Squad

To get through Ulta Beauty’s Black Friday sale, there’s only one person for the job: Dr. Eugene Porter. Eugene has a very strong hair game and he knows how to strategize to get the maximum results with minimal time spent. Not only that, but he’s passionate about hair care.

Abraham is another guy you’d want on your Squad team. Not only he is good at defensive driving, making him the guy to navigate crowded mall parking lots, but he knows how to push on no matter the road block. He won’t take any crap from anyone, either, so he’ll always have your back.

Carol is another Squad member. She’s wily and willing to play meek in order to get what she wants. Imagine that really wants the $7 blender and the last one gets grabbed up by a burly fellow in leather. All Carol has to do is bring some tears to her eyes and talk about really needing it to help her family make baby food. Regardless of the truth, Carol can spin anything to get her way.

Jesus is proving to be a very versatile guy. Jesus would be the advance scout. Send in him ahead of the Squad to figure out where to go. He’s the guy who would take the Target store map with all of the Black Friday doorbusters and come up with a plan for everyone to follow.

This is one of the times when you think about the benefits of being a baddie in The Walking Dead universe. Projecting the bad guys into a normal world is fun to imagine, but in all seriousness, they’re the ones you want in your Squad. Well, almost all of them. I don’t think anyone wants Gareth around, non-apocalypse or no.

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Your Black Friday Squad will benefit from the Governor’s cool, calm, ruthless presence. He’s also intimidating, so when things start to look bleak in the middle of the toy aisle, he could stare anyone down and demand that they hand over the My Little Pony play set.

There is one person who would be the hands-down best person to have with you on Black Friday, especially if you hit the early Walmart Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving. We’re talking the ones where people get trampled and common sense goes out the window. The person you want with you is obvious: Negan. You’d want Negan as your wingman in Walmart.

Let me explain. While people are going nuts inside the store, tearing apart pallets of merchandise and fighting over $2 DVDs, Negan skips the line up process. Negan strolls in after the initial rush of shoppers make their way into the store, and he stops at the door. Negan doesn’t even need to go inside. As people try to leave, instead of checking their receipts like the friendly Walmart greeters, Negan proclaims that half of your Black Friday haul belongs to him. After he has taken what he wants from your cart, you thank him for claiming your items and he sends you on your way.

Eugene. Abraham. Carol. Jesus. The Governor. Negan. With this Black Friday Squad in place, you’re going to score all of the deals on your list. Or else.